I'm back!

Hey faggots I'm back! After school started back up last spring, it was a while before I had access to this account again, at which point I decided to stop doing this blog because John Soloman and the other people weren't criticizing good comics anymore.

A couple of weeks ago, some things happened that changed my mind. First, when I started physics class, I saw that my teacher had pasted up a bunch of xkcd comics on the wall. Since xkcd is shit, and I have already explained why, this made me angry. Fortunately, I snuck in early one day and drew dicks all over all of them so they had to be taken down.

Then another thing happened. Someone I thought was my friend linked, on Facebook, an Achewood comic. Now I haven't written about why Achewood is shit (hint: it's a furry comic that's never funny) so this was forgivable, but I still unfriended him because he's a fucking furry faggot. (That's called illiteration, for those of you who aren't in honors English.) But this made me think: If people are still linking to Achewood and xkcd and Dinosaur Comics, then my job isn't yet finished. So I'm back, dicks and cunts, and I'm taking the internet with me. Look for my Achewood review by the end of the week.

xkcd

Hey, faggots, I'm back. I know I said I was going to post this earlier, but school stuff came up (my teachers are retards) and my parents blocked my Internet access, so I couldn't. Anyway, today I'll be reviewing a comic that's both terrible and beloved of fat, socially-retarded nerds everywhere. Yup, I'm talking about the horrible piece of shit known as xkcd.

Just like there are webcomics explicitly designed to cater to sick fucks who beat off to transgendered people and to the idea of a dude turning into a lady or vice versa (and I'll get to those in good time, I promise), there are webcomics meant for the nerdiest nerds out there, the ones who spend their time drinking 2-liters of Mountain Dew and making quantum mechanics jokes and who've never seen naked breasts except maybe for Youtube porn. You know who I'm talking about. Yes, you, Adrian. I'm talking about you.

(I don't actually know anyone named Adrian, but I thought it'd be funny to make anyone reading this with that name piss themselves.)

Anyway, xkcd is intellectual jack-off material of the first order, and it sucks more dick than a five-dollar Thai hooker. Let's click "Random comic," shall we? Ah, yes, here we go: this one. Let me list the things wrong with this comic.

1. There's virtually no art. All it is is a bunch of nerdy text with Crayola hearts drawn all over it. I have nothing against text in general, but if I wanted that, I'd just go scribble in my dad's old calculus textbook.
2. The outright manipulation of the artist (if you can call him an artist), one Randall Monroe, of his audience's emotions. The average xkcd reader, of course, has never been out on a date, and probably can't even talk to a girl. So what does Monroe do? He draws his characters in skimpy outfits as fanservice and fantasy fodder, of course! Oh wait no he doesn't because he can't draw anything better than shitty stick figures, instead he just makes up a nerdy valentine poem.
3. The so called "nerd-culture" references in this strip are all either dated or incredibly obscure. Seriously, Randy, The Matrix came out ten years ago. Referencing it isn't funny anymore. And what the fuck is a karnaugh map?

A few more clicks, and we get another comic that maybe one in ten thousand people can understand. Wikipedia says that a Turing Machine is a

"basic abstract symbol-manipulating devices which, despite their simplicity, can be adapted to simulate the logic of any computer algorithm."

Yeah, okay, Randy, sure. Maybe you understand that, but what about those of us who didn't go to MIT and get all As? And once again, notice the lack of anything remotely qualifying as art.

Basically, Monroe is making a living by writing jokes that only fat, loser nerds will get and appreciate. This wouldn't be so bad if it stayed within the community of fat, loser nerds. But Monroe thinks that he's the coolest, smartest person on the Intarblag.

Then there's his occasional "parodies" of other shitty comics like Achewood (which we'll be reviewing sometime in the next few weeks), Megatokyo (OH HOW KAWAII I LUV JAPAN LOL DESU), and Dinosaur Comics (try and read that alt text without vomiting -- that feeling is Dinosaur Comics in concentrated form).

But worst of all is his "parody" of Penny Arcade. Not only does it fail completely at being in any way funny or amusing (unlike PA itself), it implies that Tycho and Gabe are faggots. Which I suppose they could sue over, but they won't, because they're far better people than Mr. Monroe.

Anyway, my English teacher says that you should always try to find something good to say in a review, so here you go: at least xkcd isn't a furry comic.

As always, fuck you all, and I'll be back in a few days with a brand-new, super-awesome review.