Mailbag!

Sup faggots,

Since I started this blog (or more accurately, since I posted my first review) I've gotten some page hits and quite a few comments. Yes, I've pimped my site around some, I'm not trying to become internet famous, but just wanting constructive criticism from people who shared my interests.

The bad news is: these comments are pretty much all negative. Like, really negative. (Billy, Scott, if they're you you're assholes, if they're not - comment!!) So today I'm going to go through each comment I've received (in increasing order of comprehensiveness) and respond to each one.

1. "Wang" - Wow. Congratulations, you are the John Steinbeck of your time.
2. "CAD is a terrible webcomic.
   
   you, sir, are and idiot. :(" - My first comment, and it came so early that I'm 95% sure it was one of my friends. If not, though, learn proper grammar before you criticize me, okay?
3. "You are fucking retarded little man. xkcd is total shit but you are a terrible terrible writer." - The first comment that is at all intelligible. And wow, whoever wrote it is brave and intelligent enough to insult someone anonymously on the internet! Your mother must be proud. If you think I'm a terrible terrible writer, fine, but at least give some justification, like the next two guys.
4. "First off, it's 'stoops' to personal attacks, not 'stops' you goddamn moron. (Which you already did in your first post, hypocrite.)
   
   Secondly, you're not going to 'tolerate' those attacks? OOOOOooo!! What will you do? Jack your flaccid little penis whilst imagining what you'd do to that nasty John Solomon if only you ever met face to face? Spurt your sickly grey spooge as you dream of kicking that 'faggot's' ass while the ladies swoon over how manly you are?
   
   Finally, Scott Kurtz is a fat fucking hack and you're a useless cum-guzzling troll. No wonder you like his shitty comic; you obviously feel a kinship." - For your first point: OH NOES I make a typo every once in a while! I must be mentally retarded! For your second point: Look, I probably get more head in a week than you've gotten in your entire life. No I can't do anything to Solomon, but if I were Kurtz and Solomon rattled off a string of fat jokes to my face, I'd sure as hell kick his ass. For your third point: Scott Kurtz is a successful webcomics writer, you're an anonymous Internet troll. Who's the hack now? And for your information, I am neither useless nor a faggot, although your... graphic depiction of me masturbating makes me wonder about your own sexuality.
5. "Your reviews are utter garbage, even when you pick worthy targets. A load of 'edgy' curse words and little to no meaningful criticism or commentary do not make you a meaningful reviewer. They make you a screeching little child, trying to be shocking but only succeeding at being utterly annoying and worthy of only scorn and derision.
   
   This could be a rather brilliant piece of performance art; but sadly I fear you're just another ranting, ignorant teenager with too much time on his hands and not nearly enough talent to do something useful with it. Do us a favor and stop pretending you're even as good as that Tangents loser." - LOL! I seriously can't describe how hard this comment fails. You probably spend hours refreshing Solomon or xkcdsucks or Zero Punctuation hoping against hope for a new review, then come here and insult me using "edgy" curse words. Oh internet, nothing can please you, can it? Secondly, oh no i'm a teenager i've been found out! Let's name some other famous teenagers, shall we? Anne Frank? Joan of Arc? Pope John XII? If that's the best insult you can muster up, you cocksucker, I'll take it! And yes, there are probably better reviewers out there than me, but we both know I'm not as bad as Tangents. No one's as bad as Tangents.
   

There was another comment, but it was nothing but offensive, so I deleted it. To that commenter: Fuck you. Don't come back.

Anyway, the Achewood review has been sidetracked for now (and here I was hoping for loads of angry furries to leave even more retarded comments than the above), but I'll try to be back tomorrow with something just as good.

Another shitty webcomics blog?

So you were cruising the Internet one day and you found this blog. Good for you! You start reading it and you think:

Hey! This is just another shitty webcomics blog, like John Solomon, or Tangents, or Eric Burns! Why should I read this shit?

Good question, faggot! The short answer: Because you're the retard who thinks that everything Solomon writes is pure gold-plated 24-carat gold. And you're WRONG.

People like Solomon, and Burns and Tangents, lure you in with their cleverness and their sparkly, flashy writing style. And you think, Hey! These guys can use big words like "anthropomorphic," so they must know which webcomics are good and which ones suck!

Well, guess what. You're wrong, because you're stupid. First let's take a look at the things that fat faggot Burns likes. He has two five-star comics: The Order of the Stick, a shitty stick-figure comic that caters to 300-pound nerds like Burns who still play D&D into their 30s, and Evil Inc., a wacky comic about supervillains! Who make stuff for other supervillains! Ha ha, how wacky!

Solomon is too chicken to have a list of his favorite comics on his blog, but based on the things he's reviewed, I'll tell you right now that his taste sucks. He gave not one, but about seven bad reviews to Dominic Deegan, which isn't exactly my cup of tea, but there are some quality jokes there.

He also gave bad reviews to BOTH Ctrl+Alt+Del and PvP, which are second and third only to Penny Arcade (I'm not linking it because if you don't read it, GET OFF THIS FUCKING BLOG) in terms of the best webcomics ever. What's more, his PvP review doesn't just criticize the comic, it even stops to personal attacks against Scott Kurtz, which I will not tolerate.

I'll admit that PvP and CAD have their occasional missteps -- when they stop being funny, for example. But really, how can you not appreciate a good eating disorder joke?

In conclusion, fuck you all. I'll be back sometime in the next few days with a review guaranteed to get you all worked up.

-- John Calhoun